


Yelling, Screaming, Dear Diary

by kkkalguksu



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, dotae, kuncas, nct - Freeform, taeten - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29197035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkkalguksu/pseuds/kkkalguksu
Summary: “It is your heart that was made to beat only for him.”
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Yelling, Screaming, Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this one for 4 hours (?) I dreamed last night about writing this one and... I don't want it to just sit and wait for me, so here you go. As much as I want to tell you to enjoy, I am slightly hoping that you'll cry *evil grin* just kidding. Go on, read! 
> 
> Note: This story is purely fictional.   
> TW: death.

**_Dear Diary,_ **

_Looking at Taeyong for the past three weeks still make my heart ache. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable like this. I hope I could take away all the pain from him— could wipe the tears away from his eyes, could make him smile and laugh the way he used to do. I know it sounds stupid and selfish but I hope that one day he’ll be able to look me in the eyes not with the same pair of eyes that’s puffy and red and full of pain. Someday, I hope, he could look at me with love._

**. . .**

“Will you just please… please open the door?” Ten utters in exasperation. He’s been knocking at Taeyong’s room— for who knows how many times already, he lost track after the 22nd time. Taeyong is not answering him but he could hear him cry; he could hear how Taeyong’s breaking with every gasp, trying to catch his breath while muttering his endless _please_.

Kun, who was watching from the side and is also exhausted from their endless _please open the door_ , _please eat something_ , and _please talk to us_ decided to give Ten the key to Taeyong’s room, “I don’t think it’s still right to give him privacy after crying for three hours straight already.” Ten looks at him with a tired look on his face— his smile feeble; eyes worried and sad. He weakly takes the key before standing up, he feels his knees hurt for sitting in front of Taeyong’s door the moment he hears him wailing; their apartment walls surrounded by grief and agony. “Tae, Kun gave me the keys already. I’ll just let myself in already, honey, hm?” Ten’s voice is tender and filled with concern, he feels afraid that he might break the elder even more from his voice and clumsiness.

He takes in another sharp breath before gently opening the door. The younger was greeted by a dark room, closed curtains and even the bedside lamp was turned off. He suddenly feels breathless. He tightly clenched his fist to compose himself before letting himself stride across the dimmed room with all of the strength that he has left, “Yongie?”

“T-ten… _please…_ ” Taeyong utters, almost choking because of his unabating tears.

Ten opens the bedside lamp and takes Taeyong in his arms, he feels _awful_ seeing the elder like this. “I’m here, I’m here…” He hugs him tight, quietly hoping that his embrace will be enough to shelter the elder from all of the pain that he’s currently feeling, “Honey, it’s fine… you’ll be fine…”

Taeyong breaks even more in his arms, he’s already shaking because of crying too much. His whole body aches, his head is throbbing and he feels like he’s about to throw up because of the feeling of too much weight on his stomach plus the void in his heart that’s slowly eating him up, “T-ten… _please_ … give my Doie _back_ …” And for the umpteenth time that afternoon, Ten feels his heart break.

**________________**

**_Dear Diary,_ **

_The moment Taeyong asked me to give his Doie back, I felt my heart and my whole system break. I want to take the pain away from him, but this… this thing that he wants is impossible. I’m willing to give him my all— even my heart just to keep him happy._

_How should I ask him to take something that he doesn’t want?_

_How am I supposed to bring him someone who’s already dead?_

**. . .**

_Taeyong runs inside their apartment, beaming, “So… so… so!” Kun can’t help but laugh while shaking his head. He surely knows that Taeyong is the eldest among the three of them, but seeing him so giddy like this all the time makes him doubt that. Ten dramatically sighs with an eyeroll as he put the bottle of his water down on the countertop, “What is it, Yong? Just tell us already, geez.”_

_The elder smiles at him, “Remember what I told you guys last night?”_

_Kun just nodded his head while Ten crosses his arms on his chest, “Yeah? That time you interrupted us when it’s already the climax of our favorite movie?” Kun laughs, “Geez, Ten, stop making him feel bad.” He then smiles with his dimple showing and nods his head, “Go on, hyung. It’s about your crush, so?”_

_“Well, if only Ten didn’t interrupt me…” He points at himself while looking at Ten, “You wouldn’t be surprise on what’s about to happen.” Ten raises his eyebrow, full of curiosity, “So what? I interrupted the climax of your stor—” Kun shushes him, “What do you mean, hyung?”_

_Taeyong smiles widely. After several second, they heard someone parking their car in front of their apartment. The elder’s eyes are filled with excitement; his big, adoring eyes shining brightly at them while the two of them remains clueless. When they heard a loud thump coming from the car’s door, Taeyong rushes out of their apartment and when he comes back, he’s already with a guy who’s obviously a little taller than their friend and whose face is visibly nervous._

_Kun already have a clue who the man is, however, Ten, he remains clueless— or perhaps, he knows already who the man is but he just doesn’t want to process what’s running inside his mind even though the answer to his next question is already close to reach, “Who is he?”_

_“So… meet one of the climaxes of my life… Kim Dongyoung. He’s my boyfriend.” Ten still wanted to deny the clear answer to his question but then it came out of his friend’s lips. Bewildered and unfortunate, that was the first time that he felt his heart break._

**. . .**

“How was he?” Kun asks, focused on his laptop to finish his last homework for that week. “He fell asleep after taking three bites of his food… three bites!” The elder turns his swivel chair when he heard the annoyance coming from Ten’s voice. He comforts him with a smile, “It’s okay Ten. Even three bites are enough, you did your best.”

The younger slumped against the bed with a loud sigh coming out from his lips, “I just wish he could take care of himself. He’s already hurting enough mentally, he should… he should at least take care of himself to have strength physically.” Kun moves his swivel chair to get closer to his friend, he gently pats the younger’s head, “Let’s give him some time… You did well, I’m sure he appreciates your effort a lot.”

Ten gulps at that, “You think so?”

Kun nods, certain, “Of course.”

Ten looks straight at Kun’s eyes and he shrugs, “He asked me for something I wouldn’t be able to give though.”

Even though Kun already has a hint of what it could be, he still asked with an almost inaudible voice, “What is it?”

“Doyoung.”

**________________**

**_Dear Diary,_ **

_Is it okay if I still have this hope in my heart that Taeyong will be fine someday; that he’ll be able to somehow forget Doyoung and he’ll then be able to love me? I mean I… I wasn’t the reason for his death, right? It’s just that life… life was a thief._

**. . .**

_They were comfortably sitting on their couch, watching Netflix when someone called Taeyong on his phone. After several minutes inside his room, they heard a loud sound coming from the elder’s room, a sound indicating that something fell on the floor. Ten who was always at Taeyong’s aid rushes on his friend’s bedroom and he was speechless— his face, he knows that if he could see it, it’s obviously painted with mixtures of shock, worry, and pity when he saw the elder on the center of his room, barely standing while crying, “Is… is there something wrong?”_

_He knows that it was a stupid question but it was also enough to make Taeyong crumble to his knees as he yelps, his whole body was trembling. Ten was dumbfounded, he feels like his feet is glued on the ground and he was grateful that Kun was there to run towards Taeyong who was clutching his chest, crying._

_Kun asked and asked and asked what was wrong and when Taeyong answers them, they were both stupefied._

_“They said…” The elder sobs between his words, “They said that Doyoung is dead…” Ten’s mind is buzzing. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know what to feel, he can’t focus his mind on anything but Taeyong’s cry while the elder is uttering his nonstop ‘no, no, no’ while he’s wrapped around Kun’s arms._

_That night, they went to Doyoung’s wake, surprised by the sudden death of their precious friend, of Taeyong’s beloved boyfriend._

_“It was so sudden… We were calling him for dinner but he wasn’t answering. When his brother went upstairs, he— he’s already dead…” Doyoung’s mother tries her best to explain to them, to Taeyong what had happened even though she was crying and she’s stuttering._

_Taeyong’s no longer crying, he was just listening intently while looking at Doyoung who looks like he’s just peacefully sleeping. “The doctor said that he died because of heart attack…” Doyoung’s brother finishes his mother’s word as he supported his mother to sit. Ten stayed behind Taeyong all throughout that night— eyes focused on the elder, somehow afraid that when he closes his eyes or turns to look somewhere else, Taeyong will also be gone._

**________________**

**_Dear Diary,_ **

_Is there a way for me to bring Doyoung back? I’ve been thinking of ways to bring him back to Taeyong but I can’t come up with anything. I didn’t realize that I love Taeyong this much… that if I could give my life for Doyoung just for him to be able to come back, I would._

_He makes Taeyong so happy; the type of happy that no one else could make, even me._

**. . .**

_It’s the last day of Doyoung’s wake, everyone’s gathered for eulogy. Taeyong stands in front of everyone, holding a piece of paper in his shaky hands, his lips trembling— not because of nervousness, no. Ten knows that it’s because he didn’t eat for the past three days, he only focused on looking at Doyoung’s body as if looking at it will bring him back to life._

_He clears his throat and takes a deep breath before starting with his speech. He searched it up last night, what it means, why, and how someone could have a heart attack. How someone who was full of life would suddenly die like it’s nothing— like no one’s going to get hurt and cry because of feeling empty after he was gone._

_“Heart attack… it occurs when the flow of our blood to our hearts is blocked, the interrupted flow of our blood can destroy parts of the muscle of our hearts. It—” His voice cracks, unable to speak for a minute or so. He has started to cry again. “I… I didn’t know, I have so many questions… Was it painful? Did he cry? Did he really felt it or… or did he just closed his eyes and just like that… he was… gone?”_

_Silence. It was silence that surrounded the place. No one dares to speak. They were all crying but all Ten could hear was the cry of Taeyong. “I want to know...” The elder inhales another deep breath and he sighs before he continues, “Did he suffered?”_

_Ten didn’t have the answer to all his question but one thing’s for sure: Taeyong. He’s the one who’s suffering._

_"His heart… Doyoung’s… My Doyoungie’s…” Taeyong smiles sadly, his boyfriend’s name feels bitter on his mouth. “I didn’t know that one day it will just stop beating because of the way he could love. It’s unfair.”_

_“I can’t take it out of my head…” Taeyong shakes his head, his hand tightly gripping the paper that he’s no longer reading, “He… He loves so generously. Of all the days of our relationship for the past four years, he never fails to love me. I felt it and I know that all of us did.”_

_Taeyong chokes with his own tears, he tries so hard to compose himself for the last sentences that he’s still about to utter, “I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t be able to forget the last words that he told me on our last phone call, the night before he died…” He smiles again through his tears, “He told me that he loves me… so much… that he feels like his heart is about to combust— that it beats so fast when I am around, and he feels like his heart is made to beat only for me…”_

_Taeyong looks at Doyoung’s coffin with a bitter look in his eyes, “I’m still here, Doie… but why did your heart stopped beating?”_

**________________**

**_Dear Diary,_ **

_Last night, I have accepted my defeat. Instead of having him, I prayed for him to be happy again. I just want him to smile again. Please._

**. . .**

After two months… 

They walk towards their beloved friend’s grave. Just like the first week of seeing Taeyong and Doyoung around their apartment— smooching and cuddling, looking at each other with their lovey-dovey eyes, Ten still feels his heart heavy but he no longer feels bitter at all.

“You know Taeyong, it was really hard for me to see you with Doyoung but eventually, I accepted the fact that I won’t be able to replace him from your heart.” He smiles for a second, “About two months ago, before I go to sleep, I kneeled down and pray… and pray… and cried, pleading… for you to be happy again…” He gasps for air, feeling his heart tight on his chest. Kun gently pats his back, letting him know that he’s there.

“I didn’t know that this is the only way for you to be really happy again.”

“Maybe… maybe it wasn’t Doyoung’s heart that is made for you… maybe it was your heart…” Ten nods his head, crying as he admits his defeat, “It is your heart that was made to beat only for him, Yongie…” He sighs, looking at his friend’s tombstone beside Doyoung’s. He touches it the way he used to touch the elder in his arms every night before falling asleep, “Are you happy there with your Doie? I’m sure you are… and if he ever makes you cry again, call me in my dreams…”

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, how was it? I hope that you enjoyed it (somehow) and that you have your tissues with you. Kudos and comments are highly appreciated. Share me your thoughts about this one. Thank you so much for reading!


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